Tantrums

They aren't always what they are cracked up to be.. Advice from Dr. Lawrence Cohen.

Before you can start to deal with your child's meltdowns, it helps to know a bit about the main causes of tantrums, some of which may be surprising.
Emotional Overload
Tantrums are the physical release of an overload of emotion--usually frustration, but also anger, grief, fear, or happiness. When kids just can't handle all that they are feeling, they let it out in tears or screams or in kicking and pounding on the floor.
Stress
Being in an adult environment is one of the most common stressful situations for kids. Some children have no trouble adapting to an adult environment and being on their best behavior, but other kids find it a strain not to be able to be loud or active or free.
Contagious Anxiety
Children are very emotionally perceptive and can "catch" our anxiety. If you are already on the edge, the child may pick up on these feelings and begin venting.
Lack of control
Sometimes a temper tantrum can seem like a child's only source of strength or the only way to protest the unfair imbalance of power. What looks to us like a child "trying to get their own way" is often really the child trying to have some say in their own lives.
A 5-Point Plan to freedom from tantrums
1. Change Your Goal. Our goal usually is to stop tantrums as soon as possible or prevent them from happening. These goals are bound to be a disappointment; encouraging the children to express their emotions a much better goal. That way, there won't be such a backlog of unexpressed feelings that come pouring out. To help kids express their emotions constructively, try pillow fights, drawing wildly on giant pieces of paper, and dressing up together and acting out different feelings.
2. Change Your Approach. Listen respectfully, even if your child isn't being respectful himself. Just calmly listen without arguing, bribing, or scolding. And listen for the deeper feelings underneath the words. Then, when they are really done, they can talk calmly about the little upset that triggered that outpouring of emotion. When the child realizes that you are willing to really listen to her feelings, it will forge a stronger connection between you. And once you decide to listen empathically to the upset child your own mood will shift from anger and frustration to calm confidence.
3. Learn to set limits without harshness and without waffling.Setting limits and saying "no" is often the trigger for a tantrum. But your mood and tone of voice when saying "no" can make a huge difference. Caregivers need to set limits, but we don't have to use an angry tone or be harsh about it, and we shouldn't back down as soon as the child makes a fuss. We can be matter-of-fact and firm, while recognizing that the limit may be very upsetting to our child.
4. Find out what's really going on.Ask yourself some questions: What was your own emotional state before the tantrum began? Did your anxiety or stress feed the child's frustration? Are there things that the child has been trying to communicate to you that they might think are not being recognized? If so, let your child know that you're willing to listen--and remember that for younger children, "listening" means getting down on the floor and playing.
5. Make a Lasting Connection. Any technique that stops a tantrum but also puts a big wedge between us and our children is no help at all. We need strategies that help kids learn to manage their feelings while maintaining a close and loving connection between guardian and child. Some kids love to thumb through magazines and tell you what each person is feeling, or make sad or smiley faces and then make up a story about these faces. Games in which kids get to be the boss, like Simon Says and Follow the Leader, help them have a sense of control, which helps prevent tantrums.

Lawrence J. Cohen, Ph.D., is licensed psychologist who specializes in children's play and play therapy. He is the author of Playful Parenting: A Bold New Way to Nurture Close Connections, Solve Behavior Problems, and Encourage Children's Confidence.